Posted: 09 Apr 2014 03:00 AM PDTOriginal -
Seventeen-year-old Jesse thought getting beaten and branded out of gang life was the worst thing imaginable. He was wrong.When a couple of thugs chase him away from the shelter he currently calls home and into a different neighborhood, a woman helps him escape and then offers him a place to stay. Motivated by food, clean clothes, and a shower he accepts, vowing to make a break for it at the first sign of trouble.Seventeen-year-old Elana has kept quiet about a lot of the changes her mom made after her brother died—a new neighborhood, new school, and new dreams. But when her mom saves a thug from the streets she draws the line. She’s been avoiding scum like Jesse her whole life. But her mom is on a mission and fails to listen, which means war. Jesse’s gotta go.But as Jesse and Elana begin to trust each other, they realize they have more in common than avoiding scum: guilt. Jesse’s guilt over his girlfriend’s death doesn’t allow him to trust his feelings, and Elana’s guilt of surviving her brother has left her ignoring her dream to dance.When trust begins to turn into something more, Elana’s mom makes it perfectly clear she won’t tolerate a relationship between the two, leaving Jesse with a choice: give in to his feelings for Elana and end up back on the streets, or bury his feelings like he’s buried those he loves.THE SIMPLE TRUTH, a YA contemporary romance manuscript complete at 60,000 words, is a story about finding truth in dreams, hope, and love.
Query Critique -Seventeen-year-old Jesse thought getting In my opinion, the word ‘getting’ is a blah verb. Suggestion: Seventeen-year-old Jesse thought gang life, the beatings and branding, was the worst thing imaginable. He was wrong. beaten and branded out of gang life was the worst thing imaginable. He was wrong.Whena couple ofthugs chase himawayfrom the shelter thathe currently calls home and into a different neighborhood,athe woman that helps him to escapeand thenoffers him a place to stay. Suggestion: When thugs chase him from the shelter that he calls home and into a different neighborhood, the woman that helps him to escape offers him a place to stay. Motivated by food, clean clothes, and a shower he accepts, vowing to make a break for it at the first sign of trouble.Seventeen-year-old Elanahaskept quiet about a lot of the changes her mom made after her brother died—a new neighborhood, new school, and new dreams. But when her mom saves a thugsince you used “thugs” in the previous paragraph, maybe find a different word? from the streets,she draws the line. She’sbeenavoidingavoided scum like Jesse her whole life. But her mom is on a mission and fails to listen, which means war. Jesse’s gotta go.But as Jesse and Elana begin to trust each other, they realize they have more in common than avoiding scum: guilt. Jesse’s guilt over his girlfriend’s death doesn’t allow him to trust his feelings, and Elana’s guilt of surviving her brother has left her ignoring her dream to dance. IMHO, this sentence needs a total re-write. The structure feels forced and there isn’t enough of an inciting element or goal to make the reader want to know more. Suggestion (and this is only an example since I don’t know the storyline): Jesse blames himself for the death of his girlfriend and has trust issues with any new entanglements. Elana has problems of her own. Before her brother’s death, Elana danced, her heart and soul in perfect harmony. Now, why bother?When trustbegins toturns into something more, Elana’s mom makes itperfectlyclear she won’t tolerate a relationship between the two, leaving Jesse with a choice: give in to his feelings for Elana and end up back on the streets, or bury his feelings like he’s buried those he loves.THE SIMPLE TRUTH, a YA contemporary romance manuscript complete at 60,000 words, is a story about finding truth in dreams, hope, and love.Followers? Any suggestions?
Apr 11, 2014
So interesting so Imust forward this.post
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