Title: Secrets of the Alchemist
Author: J.L. Burger
Genre: Middle-Grade Fantasy AdventureLength: 391 pages
Release Date: April 2014
ISBN-13: 978-0615984827
Imprint: Mythos Press
SYNOPSIS:
What are Nora and Tomik to do? They’ve been transported 400 years back in history, and have no clue how to get back home. The members of the Royal Court refuse to let them leave – everyone believes that the children are wizards, come to save their struggling empire.
Well, not quite everyone. The wicked chamberlain wants to toss the children into the castle’s deepest dungeon. The crazed, witch-hunting duke is starting to look at them funny. But worst of all is the emperor’s prized alchemist. He just wants them dead – and has a bag full of sinister tricks to make it happen.
It looks like the only way out of this predicament is to save the empire, after all. But how? Nora will have to come up with some magic of her own, and fast – for his next trick, the scheming alchemist is planning to make the children disappear… forever!
AUTHOR INFORMATION & LINKS
It was at an early age that J.L. Burger discovered the secret to traveling in time. Since then, he has scoured the universe, searching for the deepest mystical knowledge, sowing discord and trouble along the way. He was most recently sighted in ancient Troy, making tasteless jokes about the hole through which the Greeks exited the rear of the Trojan Horse. His most horrific stunt of all, however, was grossly overcooking s’mores in his microwave last summer. Unfortunately, there are some mysteries that are not meant to be solved…
When not traveling in time and space, he resides in New Jersey with his lovely wife, two mostly-charming daughters, and two mostly-smelly dogs. He spends his summers in Europe, inspecting the most recent advances in medieval torture devices.
BOOK LINKS
Five Reasons Why the 16th Century Was Better Than the 21st
In researching my book Secrets of the Alchemist, I discovered many interesting facts about life in 16th century Europe. And I must say, I have come to disagree with those who marvel at how far mankind has come over the last few centuries. It is true, of course, that our society has made advances in certain trivial areas such as technology, industry and medicine. But there are many things from the 1500s that were simply… better!
I believe that some of the best things about the good old days are ripe for a comeback. That being said, here is a list of a few of my favorite things about the 16th century:
- Ruff Collars: Just look at this guy:
My Collar Kicks Your Collar's Butt
Doesn’t he look awesome? More importantly, he looks like he knows that you think he looks awesome. Let’s face it – without the collar, he’d be nothing. Getting dressed up like this is just totally logical. How come nobody wears these anymore?
Ruff collars were expensive to make, and the bigger they were, the more they cost. So it became a status symbol to wear as enormous and decorative a ruff as you could afford. We call this “sticking your neck out for fashion.” This lady may have taken it a little too far, though:
Hard to tell where neck ends and body begins…
- Chamber Pots: If you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, what do you do? You have to get up, climb out of bed and slog your way to the toilet in the dark, stubbing your little toe on some randomly-misplaced piece of furniture along the way. Then you groggily climb back into bed, being soundly cursed by your spouse for making so much noise (no sympathy about the little toe, mind you!).
What did they do in the 1500s when they had to go at night? They’d just pull one of these out from under the bed:
Watch out for people pouring these out of windows
Then they’d pee in it and chuck it out the window the next morning. Some folks would go to the trouble of shouting something that sounded like “Gardey-loo” before tossing their urine out the window, just to make sure they didn’t soil any innocent bystanders along the way. Very considerate of them.
So… stumbling, fumbling and toe destruction… or pull, pee and chuck? Which sounds easier to you?
- Banquets: Okay, this is a bit unfair because 99.9% of the people in the 1500s never got to go to a banquet. Then again, most of them probably didn’t wear ruff collars either. But the stuff they did with food back then was hard to believe, not to mention the entertainment between meals.
More stuffed pig’s bladder, please!
Here are some of the more interesting things you might find on a wealthy lord’s banquet table:
o Roast Peacock: The fact that they ate peacock is weird enough. But think about this: They would pluck its feathers off, then cook it, then put all the feathers back in, so it looked alive. I don’t think I’d be able to eat that, but I wouldn’t mind grabbing one of those super-beautiful tail feathers for my collection.o Boar’s Head (and I’m not talking about cold cuts!): They would roast a boar’s head, then stuff flaming oil-soaked rags in its mouth so that it looked like it was breathing fire. Suddenly, the hunted (and killed and roasted) looks like it has become the hunter!o Four-and-twenty Blackbirds: It was not uncommon to serve a pie that, when cut open, would reveal some kind of special amusement. Hard to believe, but the story of a flock of birds flying into the air from inside a pie is not an urban legend! What would you like to find in your pie?o Ridiculous Ornamentation: The stuff that was done purely for decoration was even more extravagant than the food. There were fountains flowing wine, elaborate statues made of sugar, pastry cases large enough to hold an entire musical ensemble, and artificial trees of silver and gold from which fruits were hung and later served as dessert. Like the ruff collar, this was mainly done to show that you were richer than the other guys at your banquet.
I realize that there are lots of outrageous parties these days, too. But I haven’t seen any peacocks in their original plumage, or musicians baked into pastry cases. Maybe it’s about time we gave it a try…
- Castles: I’m probably not the first guy to say this, but if we have so many highly-trained architects out there, how come the stuff they build today is so much uglier than the buildings that were built before anyone had ever heard of an architecture degree? Just saying…
They don't build 'em like this anymore
And the #1 Reason Why Life in the 1500s was Better Than Today is…
- Magic!!! Today we have machines that fly us across oceans, we have devices that allow us to see and speak to someone on the other side of the world, and yes, we even have vegetarian bacon! And yet – let’s face it – none of this inspires even the smallest sense of wonder in us. We have no magic. Isn’t that sad?
In the 16th century, people were surrounded and astounded by magic. Think about this: if you were to take someone from the 1500s and do something as simple as popping him a bag of microwave popcorn, he would either prostrate himself in front of you, or have you burned at the stake. In either case, he’d certainly believe that what you had done was magic. In fact, if you think about your typical day, you’ll find that most things you do during the course of your day would be considered magical by the folks from the 1500s. So where has our magic gone? Can we get it back?
This is what real magic looks likeSo the next time you stick that bag in the microwave, say a magical incantation first. And if you manage to pop it so that it’s not burnt, and there are almost no unpopped kernels, say a thank you to history’s great wizards, without whom none of this would have been possible.Writing About Time Travel: A Different Kind of Fantasy Fiction
Did you know that people in Europe in the 1500s had no toothbrushes? They also had very ugly teeth, but that’s another story… Did you know that they had no toilet paper? The toilets back then weren’t all that esthetically pleasing, either. What about drinks? Most folks, even children, drank ale for refreshment! (water was too dirty and milk couldn’t be kept)
For someone who is writing about time travel, each of the above sentences could easily be the result of hours of research. Why? Because time travel fiction is a different kind of fantasy fiction. The author finds himself working with a world where – unlike most fantasy worlds – everything is real, and much of it well-documented. The upshot of this is, that you can’t just make stuff up. Most of the time…
Research, research, research!
When I started writing Secrets of the Alchemist, I had a pretty good outline of what would happen, who the main characters were, etc. But every time I started writing a chapter, I would try to picture exactly where the characters were and what was taking place. I would inevitably fail.
“What does the room look like?” I would ask myself. This would lead to a lengthy research session on late renaissance furnishings.
“What are they wearing?” I would wonder. This would lead to another session on 16th-century dress.
And so on…
This is the curse of time travelers and historical fiction writers. Historical research is an unavoidable necessity. Were I to put my characters in unrealistic situations for the given time period, I would undoubtedly be showered with a hail of hate mail from those with more historical expertise than myself (actually, given that I’m no expert, this may well happen anyway).
For contrast, consider the writers of pure fantasy. Like gods, they invent their own planets, realms and nether dimensions. They furnish and feed their worlds’ inhabitants as they see fit. They can simply imagine a web-footed, mustachioed creature in a frilly evening gown, and there it is! What’s it eating? Oh, a corn-cob pipe, of course! Where does it sleep? Inside a tire swing that’s hanging from the left fin of your uncle’s rocket ship.
For the fantasy writer, questions of lifestyle, etiquette and hygiene can be resolved instantly without having to consult reference texts of any kind. They do, of course have many challenges of their own, but at least in this respect I envy them!
Time Travel as an Engine of Humor
Despite its constraints, or perhaps because of them, the whole time travel genre provides a wonderful, open field for humor. It’s often comedy of the type commonly referred to as “fish out of water,” where a person’s lack of familiarity with their surroundings causes ridiculous misunderstandings. In Secrets of the Alchemist, for example, Nora’s request for a toothbrush leads her host to ask if hairs grow on her teeth. And Nora’s close-up encounter with that greatest of horrors – the medieval toilet – is not a scene for the faint of heart!
It’s not just the fish out of water situations that can provide humor, though. In many cases it’s enough just to show the reader some of the odd things that people used to believe. For example, many people actually believed that tobacco was a miraculous medicine with great healing powers!
How’d I Get Here?
There is one other issue of time travel fiction with which every author must tangle, and that is explaining the mechanics of time travel itself. Each author finds a different way to deal with this problem – in H.G. Wells’s The Time Machine, Michael Crichton’s Timeline and Linda Buckley-Archer’s The Time Travelers, it’s a machine; in the hilarious movie Just Visiting, it’s a potion; in Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee, it’s a bop on the head that leaves things fairly unexplained. Even Harry Potter has some time travel, which results from the use of a magical device called the “Time-Turner.” In addition to the question of how one travels in time, there are associated problems of how one can change history, what would happen if one were to meet oneself at an earlier time, etc.
In Secrets of the Alchemist, the mechanism of Nora and Tomik’s time travel remains unexplained, although it appears to have something to do with an old man and a hole in a castle wall. A clearer explanation of how the children ended up in the 1500s may come up in later books in the series. Just maybe…
I hope that this article has given some insight into the issues that an author must face when writing in the time travel sub-genre of fantasy fiction. I hope so. If not, I may just have to get in my time machine (or drink my time-travel potion, or hit myself over the head), go back to when I wrote it, make a few adjustments, and try it all over again. I just hope I don’t meet myself along the way and cause all kinds of disruptions in the time-space continuum
Nothing’s More Fun Than Writing Villains!
Let’s face it; few things are better than a good villain. Readers need someone to hate, to fear, but at the same time to admire – someone to create conflict.[1] For the writer, the villain is an even better prize: first, you craft a character with deliciously wicked qualities; then, you build him or her up until he seems invincible, teetering on the brink of victory; and finally, BOOM! You get to decide what kind of an ending the rascal deserves, and slap him in the face with it (or reward him with it, as the case may be).
One of the main reasons why Secrets of the Alchemist was fun to write was that it has not just one, but two delectably devious villains. Each is unique in his own way, yet each equally villainous. Creating them and chronicling their evil schemes was a lot of fun.
The Alchemist: Edward Kelley is a master of deception – he’ll mix a potion or summon a spirit that will have you gaping in awe first, and then eating out of his hand. Eager to be the center of attention, he knows how to find easy targets and exploit their gullibility and superstition. This, mixed with his mastery of chemistry and sleight-of-hand, make him a force to be reckoned with.
The Chamberlain: Philip Lang prefers to work behind the scenes. What he suggests to the emperor before breakfast usually becomes the law of the land. Although Lang seldom takes the lead, his invisible hand is unavoidable as he manipulates the members of the Royal Court to get him what he wants – most of all, money!Of course, every villain has his or her own personality. Here are a few of the common themes that I’ve noticed make good villains fun:
1. We all need someone to hate: The villain must spark some negative emotion in the reader. He doesn’t have to strangle a kitten on the first page (although it can’t hurt!), but the villain must generally strive for goals that we find objectionable.
He is also generally unscrupulous. There’s no time to waste on morality in pursuing his goals. Not to harp on the kitten analogy, but if there’s one in the villain’s way, it’s probably going to get it! These two attributes alone may be what distinguishes the villain from the hero, because...
2. The villain must be in some way admirable, possibly even likeable: Just because the villain sparks negative emotion doesn’t mean that she cannot also spark positive feelings. In order to be an effective counterpart to the hero, the villain must at the very least be capable, cunning and determined. As both a reader and a writer, I often find myself rooting for the villain at times. It’s not until the villain has really shown her powers that one can see how daunting it will be to defeat her.
3. The villain must show humanity: Maybe not in a comic book, but in general we need to see some of the villain’s weaknesses, some humanity to make him a realistic character. There may be a sad underlying reason why he has chosen his repulsive goals and methods. We might even find ourselves sympathizing with him a bit… just not too much!
4. The villain’s triumphs build suspense: During the course of the novel, the villain must employ his powers to successfully achieve several objectives on the way to reaching his ultimate goal. This builds up conflict and suspense. At some point in the book, things need to be looking very dire for our hero. That, perhaps, is the point at which we stop rooting for the villain.
5. The villain’s end – handle with care: Deciding how our villain gets his comeuppance is a matter not to be taken lightly. First of all, things shouldn’t be too easy. They don’t even need to wrap up perfectly. It all depends on what kind of a feeling you want your reader to end with.
With all of the above having been said, it’s hard to believe just how many different types of villains there are out there. I guess it’s a testament to the ingenuity of all of us writers that we keep coming up with new stuff!
My favorite villain of all time? Hands down – Nurse Ratched fromOne Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. She’s got the complete package, in an incredibly understated but horrifying way! Who’s your favorite villain?
[1] I should note here that I am referring to novels where the villain is known. The commentary here does not apply to mystery or suspense stories, where the villain may not be known until the end. In such cases, the build-up of villainous characteristics is quite different, remaining veiled in mystery.
Writing and Inspiration… the story behind Secrets of the Alchemist
A scheming alchemist with a bag full of tricks. A superstitious emperor with a weakness for the occult. A slightly-crazed duke with a passion for witch-hunting. And… a couple of lost 13-year-olds, centuries from home, carrying flashlights into an unknown castle. Throw in a muddled old conjuror, a sharp-tongued dwarf jester and a loyal pet lion, and you’ve got the main ingredients of Secrets of the Alchemist.
A discerning reader might wonder, “Where did all of this come from?”
It’s a good question.
In fact, at this very moment a slightly perplexed writer is asking himself, “Did all of this stuff really originate somewhere inside my head? How? Why?” As well as the age-old question, “Wouldn’t it have been better to reserve that particular space in my head for useful information, like where I left my car keys?”
The answer to the above questions (other than that bit about the car keys) is that the creation of Secrets of the Alchemist was quite a journey and my influences were myriad. Nonetheless, I can point to one exact moment when the book was conceived. That would be the day when my daughter Mia came home from school with an assignment that read: If you could write a book about anything, what would you write about?
At first glance it seemed like a typically boring assignment from a typically insipid 4th-grade English teacher. I think my daughter took less than five minutes to dash off her answer. But her terse little response was dynamite enough to… well, to change my life.
She wrote:
I would write a book about two children who travel back in time to the Middle Ages. Their names are Nora and Tomik.As soon as I saw her answer, my head began to fill with colorful little images of two modern-day kids, unexpectedly inserted into a world of castles, banquets, knights and wizards. These images were soon replaced with burning questions. “So they go back in time. Who do they meet? How do they react? How do the people from that time react to them? Oh, and where’d I leave my car keys, again?”
Presently, my parental pride got the better of me. I said to myself, “You know what? Let’s write this book!”
It took some planning before I started to write. As it happens, I am well-connected in the realm that was once known as Bohemia (now known by the much-less-romantic name of The Czech Republic). And anyone who has spent time in Bohemia knows of Rudolf II, arguably the most superstitious monarch in history. His court was full of swindling alchemists and misguided astrologers – the ideal place to throw a couple of poor, unsuspecting kids from the 21st century. A little more research unearthed a colorful cast of characters, all of whom really existed, including the aforementioned alchemist, duke, conjuror, etc.
With all of this in mind, I set out to surprise my daughter. To avoid discovery, I wrote mostly late at night when the family was in bed. For inspiration, I read through Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, Michael Crichton’s Timeline, and Linda Buckley-Archer’s The Time Travelers, and I watched the hilarious time-travel movie Just Visiting.
My attempts at stealth failed, unfortunately – my daughter discovered the book on my iPad after I had written just a few chapters. Luckily, she fell in love with the novel and the characters, and added new insights and suggestions of her own as the book moved along. She also provided the greatest service possible by making sure that I actually finished writing the darn thing – an impatient child has no empathy for writer’s block!
So there you have it, more or less. Every author has a story about every book that they write. And that’s mine. The interesting thing is that I had never actually pictured myself writing a book until the day my daughter inspired me to. After that the bug just bit me, and I took off! So to my mind, the key to writing is, find your inspiration, let the bug bite you, and run with it…
Now it’s time for me to look for the inspirations that will push me on to my next novel. At least it will be – as soon as I can find my car keys!
Interview with the Alchemist: Edward Kelley
Kelley cast an occasional furtive glance over his shoulder as he made his way back toward Prague Castle. A large wicker basket dangled from his left hand, swinging like a pendulum.
I called out to him, but this only caused him to hasten his step. It was apparent that he was in the midst of some important errand. Desiring a brief interview, I finally took it upon myself to run up to him.
Luckily, the alchemist was in a good mood, or I do not believe that he would have stopped to talk with me. The following is a transcript of the exchange that ensued between us, in which I managed to touch on important issues of all sorts:
JLB (panting): Good afternoon. Do I have the pleasure of addressing Magister Edward Kelley, the world-renowned alchemist?
EK (frowns): Excuse me. Do I know you?
JLB: Please allow me to introduce myself. I am J.L. Burger, a Teller of Tales from a faraway land. Could you spare a moment to talk to me about your work?
EK (sneering): You shall have none of my secrets, spy. Why would I even give the time of day to a peasant such as you?
JLB: It is true that I am merely a poor storyteller, but many of the wealthy nobles in my land would be interested in learning of your craft. If I can spread the word, there will be great demand for your services.
EK: Demand for my services, eh? Well, I suppose it can’t hurt to talk to you if it can make me some money. But don’t expect me to divulge any of my secrets – I’m no fool!
(At this juncture, good fortune was on my side. I was able to convince my new friend to join me for a drink at a nearby alehouse -- as long as I paid for it, that is! Tankards in hand, we settled in at a scarred wooden table to continue our conversation.)
EK: So… what is it that you’d like to know?
JLB: Well, for starters, can you tell me what it’s like to be one of the world’s foremost alchemists?
EK: It’s not easy being a great alchemist, you know. I have kings and queens constantly besieging me with requests to make gold for them. Generals and military leaders seeking explosives and solvents. Dukes and duchesses begging for elixirs to heal their ailments. I suppose there can be no rest for the weary…
JLB: It sounds very challenging. How did you become an alchemist? There must have been years of study involved.
EK: Well, actually, no, I never studied. I never had to. In fact, I like to believe that I was chosen to be an alchemist.
JLB: What do you mean?
EK: For most of my life, I was just an ordinary clerk. But one day, several years ago, something quite unbelievable happened. I was traveling through Somerset on a routine business matter, when an impenetrably thick fog fell over the road on which I was riding. My horse and I were driven astray, and I soon found myself wandering
across the moors, with absolutely no idea where I was.
Just as I was beginning to give up hope, I arrived at the towering ruins of some long-lost, abandoned abbey. It was quite unsettling at first, being all alone among these massive white buildings, leering at me out of the fog like giant skulls. But it seemed like a reasonable place to seek shelter, for night was falling rapidly. As I began to unburden my horse, I glimpsed a strange light, flickering deep in the mist. I followed it. It led to a small burrow, a cave that looked to be a perfect sheltering spot for the night.
But it was not just shelter that I found in that cave. Tucked inside a small alcove were an ancient, leather-bound book and a small, golden box containing a minute quantity of reddish powder. The book turned out to be the only existing copy of a great alchemical text, The Book of Dunstan, which I read thoroughly. It changed my life.
JLB: What about the red powder?
EK (produces a small vial of red liquid from inside the depths of his robe): Here you see my famed Red Tincture. This is the substance that I use to create gold. The powder that I found in Glastonbury Abbey is the main ingredient to this tincture. It is that powder, together with the knowledge of Saint Dunstan, that inspired me to take up alchemy. I believe that fate must have led me to that cave.
JLB: That’s a fascinating story. Can I take a closer look at your Red Tincture?
EK: No! A thing of such value would be dangerous in the hands of a commoner such as you. This vial never leaves my possession!
(vial disappears back into the folds of his robe)
JLB: That’s a neat trick. Do you keep any other useful things stored inside your robes?
EK: Of course. An alchemist should never be without his tools of the trade. I can’t reveal everything to you, of course, but here are some of the things that I always keep at hand:
(Kelley’s hand disappears into his robe and reappears holding a small canister of crushed leaves)
JLB: Is this a powdered herb of some kind?
EK: Yes. I have several herbs in my possession at all times. In fact, I was just on my way home from the apothecary’s shoppe when you stopped me. This particular herb is Monkshood.
JLB: What is Monkshood for?
EK: It’s, uh… medicinal.
JLB: I thought it was poisonous. Can’t it also be used as a poison?
EK: Perhaps… (smiles mysteriously as the herb glides out of sight into his sleeve, to be replaced by a small bottle)
JLB: That little bottle looks like it contains some kind of potion.
EK: Yes. I carry all sorts of useful potions with me, including my Red Tincture, of course. This particular one is a potion of flatulence. Distilled from lentils, naturally.
JLB: A fart potion? What could you possibly need that for?
EK: One never knows. Just to be safe. What if, for example, we had been unable to find a free table at this establishment? In such a circumstance, I have often found the flatulence potion quite useful.
JLB: Okay, point well taken.
(Kelley’s hand disappears again and reappears clutching a small drawstring pouch that he opens to reveal a golden glow. This attracts the attention of some unsavory-looking tavern guests, so Kelley quickly shuts the pouch and retracts it back into his sleeve.)
JLB: Hmm, that little pouch was full of gold coins. I guess you’re doing quite well for yourself!
EK: It’s not actually full of gold coins. You take a bag full of coppers, but place a gold ducat or two at the top. That way it looks like it’s full of gold. It makes a good impression, you know.
JLB: That’s interesting. That actually reminds me of one question I’ve always wanted to ask. If you’re really able to create gold from lead, why don’t you just make a pile of gold for yourself? Why do you waste time selling your services to kings and noblemen? You could make yourself richer than all of them. Unless you aren’t really able to make gold…
EK: Hmm… That’s a very good question…
(Kelley looks at the ceiling, whistles and drums his fingers on the table for a moment)
Excellent! Now, what’s your next question?
JLB: Um, okay… Some people say that alchemists are just fakers, using secret tricks to fool people into believing that they can perform magical tasks. What do you say to that? What are your secrets?
EK: (smiles charmingly) My dear friend, we alchemists have no secrets. Many people are jealous, which is why they make up these slanderous lies about us. But everything that you see from me is genuine. My elixirs, spells and transmutations are the result of years of careful study and experimentation. That’s all.
JLB: I’m a bit surprised to hear that, I was actually just thinking of writing a book about you. I was going to call it Secrets of the Alchemist.
EK: That’s too bad. Looks like you’ll need to find a new title for your book.
With these words, the alchemist rose from his seat, swirled his robes around him and disappeared into thin air. Or at least, out the door…Interview with the Emperor: Rudolf II
The emperor’s sitting room was decorated even more extravagantly, with artistic masterpieces covering the walls and rich oriental carpets lining the floor. As I was settling in, a door opened in the wall opposite me, admitting a mousey man with a pencil-thin mustache. He announced that the emperor would be with me momentarily. Then two armored guards filed in, stopping to stand at either side of the door.
Absorbing the comfort of my lavish surroundings as I tried to prepare myself for my interview with him. I had become so lost in thought that it gave me a start when the emperor’s steward suddenly materialized in the room and called my name. I slowly stood and followed him into the adjoining chamber. had been all alone in the emperor’s waiting room for quite some time,
After a moment, we were joined by a paunchy, bearded fellow, who shuffled distractedly into the room, looking like an old man who might stop you to ask directions to the nearest bus stop. He was most elegantly garbed, though, and once I saw the reverent manner in which the others gazed at him, it became clear to me that this must be the emperor.
I jumped out of my seat and got to one knee, just in time for the mousey man to announce the arrival of His Imperial Highness, Holy Roman Emperor Rudolf II.
I had planned to ask His Majesty about his financial and military priorities and the difficulties of governing his vast empire. The interview did not proceed quite as I had planned. Here is the full transcript:
JLB: Thank you for agreeing to talk with me, Your Majesty – I’ve never had a chance to interview an emperor before. I hope to learn much from your knowledge and experience.
RII: Think nothing of it, my lad. I am happy to answer all of your questions, especially if my words may in some way work to the benefit of humanity.
JLB: Great, I can already tell that you’re going to be a source of great wisdom! Let’s start with a very general question: What’s it like being one of the most powerful men in the world?
RII: It’s really marvelous…
JLB: Marvelous? Can you explain what you mean, Your Excellency? What’s marvelous?
RII: It’s just marvelous, you wouldn’t believe it. Today, my Imperial
Zookeeper showed me a most exquisite creature. It looks just like a squirrel, but it’s gray.
JLB: Umm, okay. I was hoping you might talk a bit about what it’s like to rule a vast empire, and –
European Red Squirrel
RII: A gray squirrel, can you imagine it? Squirrels are supposed to be red!
JLB: If I may, Your Majesty… this one must have come from America.
RII: What?
JLB: European squirrels are red, Your Majesty, but there are gray squirrels in America.
RII: Young man, why are you talking about squirrels? I thought you had come here to ask me about what it’s like to be an emperor!
JLB: Well, yes, actually, I did want to talk about that…
RII: Then why are you wasting my time talking about squirrels?
JLB: Sorry, then, let’s get back on topic. So, what’s it like to be one of the most powerful men in the world?
RII: Honestly… it’s terrible.
JLB: Terrible? You just said it was marvelous.
RII: Did I? Well, no, it’s terrible. There are so many boring things to do. I hate reading laws, and listening to my people tell me about their boring problems. I’d like to spend my time looking at paintings and strolling in the gardens, but nobody lets me.
JLB: Of course, I understand. Here’s my next question. What are some of the most important issues facing you, as ruler of a vast land?
RII: Important issues, eh? Well, there are so many important issues facing me. It’s very stressful.
JLB: I can only imagine. I suppose that the decisions that you make can affect the lives of millions of people.
RII: Yes! Just this morning, I had to decide whether to have my eggs scrambled or sunny-side-up. It was incredibly difficult. I had to discuss it with my chamberlain for quite some time before I could decide.
JLB: That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.
RII: You’d be surprised how important a decision like that is. It all has to do with the positioning of the planets, you see. Luckily, I have an army of astrologers who can help with every decision. If I were to choose sunny-side-up at a time when the sun is in opposition to Mars or Jupiter, the consequences could be grave, as I’m sure you understand.
JLB: Yes, you are very fortunate to have a team of astrologers to advise you on which eggs to have for breakfast.
RII: (nodding with a self-satisfied smile) Yes. That is why we will prevail over our heathen neighbors to the south. I heard that the Turkish Sultan has his eggs poached. Can you imagine? Poached! What a disaster for him and his people.
JLB: Yes, I’m sure. Your Majesty, I can see that this conversation is going in directions that I had not imagined possible. So let me ask you this. You have the greatest collections in the world – art, animals, precious jewels, magical devices, and so on. Out of everything you own, which single item is your most prized possession?
RII: (stroking his beard) Hmm, that’s the first good question you’ve asked, young man! Let’s see… there is my army of wind-up soldiers, but I suppose that’s not the most important. Maybe my unicorn horn? It’s extremely useful, both for making potions and detecting poisons. (stops to think) Wait! Of course! I’ve got it. My most prized possession, without question, is Mohammed.
JLB: What is Mohammed, Your Excellency?
RII: Mohammed is my pet lion. He was given to me by the Turkish Sultan, Murad.
JLB: Very interesting. Why would a lion be your favorite possession?
RII: Mohammed is not a possession, he is a friend. He’s my best friend, in fact. He’s the only person I can really talk to. He listens to me. He never talks back. He doesn’t want anything from me. He just wants to be my friend. (leans forward, whispers) Everyone else here pretends to like me, but they aren’t my friends. They just want things from me. Now do you see why being emperor is terrible?
JLB: I understand. Now that I think about it, there really is nothing more valuable than genuine friendship, is there?
RII: No. Well, except maybe gold. But other than that, no. Also perhaps rubies. Or beautiful paintings. Or the Elixir of Youth. But other than that, no, you’re absolutely right.
(At this point, I heard a loud click come from a large, beautifully decorated clock on the mantelpiece. A small door in its base opened up, and a statuette in the shape of a skeleton wielding a silver scythe marched out along small tracks. It nodded toward us, emitted a high-pitched “Cu-ckoo, cu-ckoo, cu-ckoo,” and then retreated back inside the clock.)
RII: Goodness! I told my tinker to fix the sound on that clock.
JLB: I can see that we’re running out of time, Your Majesty, so I’ll ask one last question. If there was one thing that you could change in all of your lands, what would it be
RII: That’s easy. Gray squirrels!
JLB: Thank you, Your Excellency, I suppose that’s all we have time for. This interview has been extremely, uh… interesting.
RII: (rising) Thank you, my lad. Please come again sometime. I’d love to spend more time telling you what it’s like being one of the most powerful men in the world. It really is marvelous!
Europe was not realized until over 300 years after his death. HisMajesty would be most unhappy to know that it has not been assessed as a positive development)(Editor’s note: Emperor Rudolf’s dream of introducing gray squirrels into
Eastern Gray Squirrel
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